Okay so this may or may not upset some people but what other choice do I have. So I walk to Ward Prayer no matter how far usually. I like to walk and some nights I even need to walk to get over some stuff that I am dealing with at the time. Well tonight was one of those nights. I decided to walk to ward prayer and that is where it all began.
I was having a conversation with my mom previously to this walk and was still a little bit frustrated by the whole thing and that it just wasn't fair and I was upset so I walked. While walking I started thinking about this conversation I had just had with my mom and I started to analyze what was happening and I had realized that I was maybe being a little selfish but then I started to justify it and then I tried to talk myself out of it and now I am in a trap of not knowing what to do. I am not sure if I was right to feel upset and offended that this was ruining my plans and that I still want to do this with my family and that it is not fair to split my family onto a million different projects. I am now just upset cause I can't have what I want in this trip it has already been altered despite my choice in a way I wish it hadn't been and now adding this to it. I just feel that we are overly accommodating for this other family and that I am being deprived of the experience that I want. Why must I feel that I am being shortchanged in this whole thing. I know that my attitude is not all Christlike and this is what is bothering me so much. I just can't help but look forward to the whole week that we get to spend together when we get down there. I love that we get to do so much and that we can learn so much about each other but I also really like looking forward to the experience of getting reacquainted with my family and that stuff. I love the close knit relationship that we develop over this weak long period. This reason is why I am so upset that this may be happening. It is not so much that I care about the projects as it is that I care about the bonding and growing and service opportunities with my family.
I am being selfish about the opportunities out there but I am also already sacrificing so much to go. The other family is being selfish too and it got me even more upset when my mom was all like you are acting just like her(the mom in the other family) and I was like you know what me it is not about the projects it is about the bonding and growing and serving. I know I am not acting very Christlike right now and I need your prayers to help me get over this and deal with the possibility that I may hate every minute of this trip but will still have a good attitude and do everything that I need to do while I am down there and somehow bless the lives of others and maybe even bless my life as well.
This is were I cry and struggle getting through stuff because I know that I am wrong for feeling this way and then I feel worse for feeling so bad about it. I am such a horrible person cause I feel this way.
So after ward prayer I am leaving and I of course choose to walk due to the events stated above. Well as I was walking out of ward prayer I run into a girl who I know quite well and I was mildly surprised that she was willing to talk so we started to talk and I was just expressing my concerns and feelings to her and she reminded me of the plan in everything. But she did not help on one major point cause she said that I was not being selfish by being wanting to go down there to get closer to my family and to work side by side with them.
I need input and advice was I or was I not being selfish??
Is selfishness about family a not so Christlike attribute even though it is after all family??
Am I really as bad as I make myself seem??
I am now going to cry some more okay??
As confused as always,
Jordo
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